What My Horse Taught Me About Consent

Some of the most profound lessons I’ve learned about connection and communication came from my mare, Jena. Ask before you touch, and respect their answer. It’s a concept that seems simple on the surface, yet it carries a depth that has changed how I interact with all beings, and even highlighted my own boundaries.

Consider how we often want our horses to respect our personal space, yet we don’t always extend the same courtesy when it comes to touching and petting them. A horse moving away from our touch or signaling they don’t want to be touched can sometimes be taken personally. But learning to notice those signals is a foundational part of consent-based horse training.

When Jena and I were younger, I’d describe myself as very “hands-on.” As she was my first horse, I couldn’t contain my excitement and expressed my affection through lots of grooming, petting, and heartfelt hugs. I didn’t notice, or even know to look for, any subtle cues she might have been giving me to indicate if she was uncomfortable or not. I hadn’t yet learned how to tell if horses wanted to be touched.

However, as Jena aged and began displaying symptoms consistent with PSSM2/MIM, her communication around touch became strikingly clear. She became very loud and honest in expressing when she didn’t want to be touched. This was a difficult truth to accept. Suddenly, some of the ways I had always shown her love were no longer welcome. It was a rude awakening, one that pushed me to become acutely aware of my actions and to consciously stop those casual “drive-by” pets. I had to learn to keep my hands to myself unless she indicated otherwise.

We discovered a new way of enjoying each other's company, one that respected her boundaries and didn't rely on constant physical contact. It was through Jena's clear communication that I had a significant realization and began to understand horse consent. I needed to let her initiate touch. 

That now feels like such a simple concept, and it resonated deeply with my own experiences. As someone who values a significant personal bubble, even a seemingly harmless touch like a hand on my shoulder can trigger anxiety. It feels jarring and intrusive. Jena helped me connect these dots. If I’m protective of my own personal space, I need to respect that my horse may feel the same. I wouldn’t want someone stepping too close or touching me without invitation, and the same undoubtedly holds true for our horses.

Of course, there are exceptional circumstances, such as a genuine emergency, where I might not be able to give my horse as much choice, especially if we haven’t adequately prepared for such situations. However, I make every effort to ensure those moments are rare and reserved only for real emergencies. In those critical situations, I also strive to make it clear that this context is different from our everyday interactions. My goal is to maintain the trust we’ve built through consistent, respectful communication. I want her to understand that “right now, I have to touch you, but when we’re back to normal, our agreement stands: I’ll ask first.”

So how do you empower your horse to choose interaction and ask for touch? It starts with a mindful invitation and a deep attention to horse body language.

When you approach your horse with the intention of interaction, do so in a non-threatening manner. Pay close attention to how they are feeling. Are they displaying subtle signs of uneasiness like head turns, an increased rate of blinking, or tensing of muscles? Or do you observe more open and inviting signals? Perhaps they turn towards you with a relaxed posture, lean in slightly, or simply step closer with soft facial expressions.

The crucial step is to let them complete the invitation. Allow them to be the one to close the final distance. Once they do, you can gently offer a touch on a neutral area such as the shoulders or withers, but remain acutely aware of how their body language and facial expressions shift upon contact. They will communicate whether they simply wanted to be near you or if they actually sought physical touch.

After some contact, pause. Remove your hand to gauge their continued interest. This simple check-in reinforces the concept of choice. If your horse shifts back towards you or displays curiosity by gently moving their head in your direction, they are likely indicating they would like you to continue. However, if they don't, this is a valuable opportunity to respect their boundary and allow them to disengage.

I practice this “check-in” multiple times throughout a grooming or scratching session. Just because a horse initiates contact doesn’t mean they want it for the same length of time that I do. By offering repeated opportunities for them to consent, you foster a deeper level of communication and give your horse agency over their own body. It’s a surprisingly simple but powerful way of building trust with your horse.

For a more advanced approach to two-way communication regarding touch, exploring cooperative care techniques can be invaluable. This involves actively teaching your horse to communicate "yes" or "no" to being touched in various ways. This can range from them indicating their willingness for you to handle different parts of their body to expressing preferences for specific grooming tools.

Reflecting on my journey with Jena, and even my interactions with other animals, I've realized how often I used to engage in those casual "drive-by" pets without truly considering their perspective. Jena's honest and clear communication has been a powerful and invaluable lesson, reminding me that respecting personal space and seeking consent, even with our beloved animals, is fundamental to building a truly respectful and harmonious relationship.